Ontario to replace five-day Covid isolation period with pinky swear that you’re not still contagious

TORONTO – Ontario’s top doctor Dr. Kieran Moore stated in a press conference yesterday that, given the understanding that Covid cases will rise significantly in the fall with the cold weather and kids returning to school, the province will be replacing its five-day isolation period with a pinky swear that you’re totally not still contagious, you promise.

“We decided the pinky swear was the best course of action given that we have completely given up on all other methods of public safety and communication,” Moore stated, taking a moment to cough directly in the face of an elderly woman. “We trust the public to do what’s right and be honest with each other in these matters. After all, everyone is still wearing masks on places like public transit and shopping malls, right guys? Guys?”

He continued: “As we all know, pinky swears are basically legally-binding contracts. And if you break your promise, you have to buy Doug Ford a beer.”

Local ER nurse Hannah Morganstern took time away from begging people on the street to come in and work a nursing shift to comment.

“I’m sure people will tell the truth about if they’re still sick or not, even if their job security depends on them going to work,” she confirmed, after apologising for an eye that wouldn’t stop twitching. “I’m just glad Dr. Moore decided against his first choice of action, which was the classic ‘spit handshake followed by double dog daring you to not come in if you’re actively infectious’.”

Chain restaurant owner Dale Simpkins applauded Dr. Moore’s announcement, but maintained that he still thought governmental guidelines were going too far.

“I’m sick and tired of having my employees taking days off when they get Covid, and then lying about how long it takes to get better, so this is better than nothing,” he ranted. “However, I think that even requiring pinky swears is another example of government overreach. You can’t tell me what to do with my littlest digit! What’s next, covering your mouth when you sneeze in an old folks’ home??!”

At press time, Dr. Moore stated that the province’s next course of action would be to replace all Covid vaccines with the peer reviewed, time-honoured medical tradition of stating, “Circle circle dot dot, now I have my Covid shot.”

Beaverton