Man who never visits own grandmother heartbroken over Queen Elizabeth’s death

VANCOUVER – Jason Klein, who has only visited his 98-year-old grandmother twice in the last five years despite living less than a half-hour’s drive away, is still reeling from the news that Queen Elizabeth II, a 96-year-old woman he never met, is dead.

“She was such an institution, think of all of the incredible history she witnessed and was a part of,” Klein said, looking fondly at an official portrait of the queen he’s just printed out and placed in an antique silver frame, after removing the frame’s original photo of his grandmother during her time as a combat nurse in World War II.

“Her Majesty loved her family so much. She was the personification of class, duty, and selflessness,” Klein said, examining a birthday card his grandmother sent him, removing the $10 cheque, and throwing the carefully chosen card into the garbage unread.

Klein’s grandmother Lillian would be more than happy to help her beloved grandson through his grief over the deceased monarch if he’d only come to visit her. “He keeps saying he’ll visit when he has time. But I follow him on the computer, my nurse showed me how, so I know he’s very busy right now telling strangers on the internet they should be showing more respect to Elizabeth.”

“I do wish he’d answer my phone calls though, it’s so nice to hear his voice. And not just on all those little videos he posts where he yells at people for talking about colonialism at a time like this.”

“She was truly the defintion of royalty and if it had been up to me, that wonderful lady would’ve lived another hundred years,” a tearful Klein said. He’s decided to channel his sorrow into something constructive by contacting his local MP and MLA to demand the federal and provincial governments spare no expense in their official tributes, once he’s done deleting a number of emails from his cousin asking him to sign a petition requesting better government oversight and funding of the long-term care facility where his grandmother currently lives.

At press time, Klein was raptly rewatching a recorded stream of Charles be proclaimed monarch and saluting the screen while forgetting that he promised to take his elderly father to a very important doctor’s appointment.

Beaverton