CALGARY — Eye witnesses indicate the wedding celebration of local couple Katy Myer and Brad Pedrad could absolutely have just been an email instead.
“The entire time I was thinking: do I need to be here for this?” says Jenna Myer, sister of the bride. “We get it, you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together. And? If this was just a relationship status update, that’s what Facebook is for. I’ve got laundry to do.”
Kevin Thi, close friend of the couple, is in agreement. “My doctor doesn’t even see me in person anymore. But this demanded my presence? If they really needed to go bigger than a simple email wedding, Microsoft Teams was right there. I would have even turned my camera on for the bride’s entrance.”
According to wedding expert Dr. Rita Ballantyne, boredom levels at the Myer-Pedrad nuptials were off the charts. “My analysis shows excitement did rise by 3% when the reception DJ played Gangnam Style, but plummeted by 47% the second time he played Gangnam Style,” she says.
Some guests reportedly felt misled by the playful font on the wedding invitation, which implied there would be some kind of cheeky photo booth — or at minimum, that thing where the couple holds up shoes and answers questions about who snores, who’s better at cooking, and who’s the dom and the sub.
“I kept waiting for them to get to the funny part of their vows, but they never did. No laughs, no banter, just heartfelt articulation of commitment between two people who clearly love each other. Total snoozefest,” complains Thi. “And don’t even get me started on the dinner. The courses just kept coming and coming; it literally took all evening!“
The groom says he’s taking responsibility for not making the event worth guests’ while. “Maybe it was a mistake to perform my original song for Katy about growing old together,” says Pedrad. “I knew I should have sprung for the motorcycle Globe of Death instead.”
Several guests of the wedding also recently attended the funeral of Grandpa Myer, which according to reports, could have just been a JibJab.
Jesus Christ is King
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