Trudeau: It’s too difficult to abolish the monarchy, we need to focus on other difficult things we also won’t do

LONDON, U.K. – When asked this week if the death of Queen Elizabeth II would result in Canada finally removing its foreign head of state, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was adamant that Canada had bigger problems to worry about and also not solve.

“It would be very challenging to separate Canada from the Windsor family and install a domestic head of state who is answerable to Canadians rather than someone who inherits the job as an accident of birth,” Trudeau explained. “And if something is difficult, it’s really not worth doing. Or even attempting.”

Removing a foreign monarch from their position as Canada’s head of state would require majorities in the House of Commons, the Senate, and at least two thirds of the provincial legislatures to amend the Constitution Act of 1982. Achieving this is more possible now than ever due to the death of Queen Elizabeth and the ascension of her much less popular son, but it would require the Liberals to make an effort to do so and Trudeau is adamant that his lack of effort is better used elsewhere.

“Canadians have little interest in seeing their government fail to act on the issue of separating Canada from the monarchy, and would much rather see their government fail to act on the climate crisis, the cost of living crisis, the housing crisis, and the healthcare crisis,” Trudeau said.

“While it’s true that most Canadians want a referendum on Canada’s links to the British monarchy, it’s also true that most Canadians want proportional representation in our elections, and that’s not going to happen either,” Trudeau said. “Not while I’m prime minister, at least.”

“Canada is facing a multitude of pressing twenty-first century problems that we are dedicated to ignoring until they get so big we can’t put them off anymore. The monarchy is an old problem that Canada has successfully ignored for over a century. It’ll keep until one of them does something so egregious that even the torpor of Canadian politics can’t stop their removal.”

At press time, every major Canadian news agency was publishing a story about how Trudeau was seen singing two days before the Queen’s funeral because they couldn’t come up with a single other news story to put in these slots that was more vital or less stupid.

Beaverton