HALIFAX – With Hurricane Fiona recently upgraded to a category 4 storm, officials are warning that power and service outages could drop to dangerous New Brunswick levels.
“I won’t lie, things will get pretty grim,” explained Nova Scotia premier Tim Houston about the oncoming storm’s aftermath. “We’re talking no power, fewer channels on cable, and in some of the hardest-hit regions, slower dial-up internet at possibly Fredericton levels.”
While Nova Scotians across the province have prepared for the oncoming storm, stockpiling batteries and “storm chips”, many say they are most nervous about being reduced to a New Brunswick standard of living.
“I spent a summer in New Brunswick once, and I’m not sure I can go back to living that rough,” explained Franklin McMaster of Dartmouth. “If Fiona leaves us in that kinda shape, we’ll have trees down, emergency vehicles taking hours to get anywhere – and who knows what the frig you can buy to eat at one of those dépanneur things?”
Meteorologists are warning the category 4 storm could impact services to the point where Nova Scotians will be forced to subsist for days on a typical New Brunswick diet – namely old St. Hubert chicken and whatever “cipâte” is.
Still, other residents predictions were much more dire. “This storm could send us who knows how far back into the past, toiling away in some antiquated society like they do way up there in New Brunswick,” explained Irma Fougere of Sydney. “I hear they all worship some feudal lord called an ‘Irving’. Can you imagine such a thing?”
With locals bracing for the worst, Premier Houston urged Nova Scotians to remain calm.
“While Hurricane Fiona may leave our services at, God forbid, a sub-Moncton capacity, we will rebuild.” Houston added, “Perhaps this temporary outage will give us more empathy for our primitive neighbours to the Northwest, and encourage us to commit to providing more aid so that they may join our 21st century way of life.”
Houston quickly added, “I don’t mean we’re gonna drive the aid up there to them. Have you ever driven through that province? It’s like 8 never-ending hours of nothing but trees, trees, more trees.”
At press time Nova Scotian officials were researching whether you can even send Amazon care packages to New Brunswick.
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