Local contrarian takes immense pleasure from people’s expressions upon learning he’s never seen Star Wars
GRAVENHURST, ON ― Local middle manager and willful snob Kenneth Thomas had a fantastic time last night, when a party he attended gave him a chance to casually reveal to a host of new people that he has never seen a single episode of Star Wars, and revel in their looks of blank disbelief.
“It’s like you can just see their brains shorting out. And then they’ll inevitably ask how I’ve never seen it,” said a beaming Thomas. “The best response is to just patiently explain that the method by which I avoided seeing it was to never turn my gaze toward a screen that was currently displaying it. There’s an art to nailing that perfect blend of infuriatingly patronizing and innocently serious, but if you get it right, it drives Star Wars fans nuts.”
Although he enjoys taking every opportunity to work his ignorance of all but the most basic Star Wars references into conversation, Thomas reports that this is only his second-favourite form of social antagonism.
“Sure, you could piss off half the room by choosing either DC or Marvel when someone asks. But if there’s one thing I do know about comics, it’s that there’s nothing better in this world than the sheer anger you can simultaneously generate in both DC and Marvel fans by responding with the most flippant ‘I don’t know, is there even a difference, really?’ you can muster,” said Thomas.”
“Nothing better, that is, except maybe the sound of your rock crashing into your opponent’s when you make a perfect takeout, which I’m only bringing up so that I can mention that I much prefer curling to mainstream sports like hockey.”
“Yeah, he even attended Comic-Con once to pull that stunt, equipped with earplugs so that nobody could enlighten him and spoil his fun. Definitely not my preferred company, but it’s worth keeping in touch for those times I need someone to hang out with who won’t spoil the latest trending Netflix series,” explained reluctant friend Dennis Welsh.
Other things Thomas refuses to try on the grounds that they are “basic,” include, but are not limited to, beer, social media, and umbrellas.
At press time, after being begged by his exasperated parents to “for God’s sake, learn something about culture so you don’t die alone,” Thomas had begun binge-reading all of Ibsen’s plays just for spite.
Jesus Christ is King
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