NASHVILLE, TN — With the success of Matt Walsh and the newly-bearded Ben Shapiro, pressure is mounting at The Daily Wire headquarters for popular conservative commentator Candace Owens to grow a beard of her own.
“Our incoming data shows a tremendous popularity of beards among our audience,” said Lois Fonecharger, marketing analyst for The Daily Wire. “Beards seem to add a certain level of gravitas to someone’s argument. Matt Walsh would be powerless without his beard, and there’s no denying the surge of attention Ben’s new beard is causing online. Some feedback is even saying Ben could pass for 17 years old now instead of 12! We’re inching toward a company-wide directive that all on-camera talent grow beards.”
While many of the famous faces of The Daily Wire seem to be embracing beard growth as a new pillar of the media company’s future plans, some have been more hesitant. “Candace Owens isn’t sold on the idea, mainly because she’s a woman and unable to grow a beard,” said Owens’s personal assistant Savanna Jacoby. “I don’t really see how covering half of her face with a beard will be beneficial in any way, but she’s always a team player and willing to give it a try.”
At publishing time, Owens was believed to be moving forward with the plan, even going as far as to set up times to record promo spots for sponsors advertising beard balms and oils, though it is not known at this time what effect this new initiative may have on The Daily Wire’s long-standing relationship with Jeremy’s Razors.
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