LONDON, UK – Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the world’s corgi population is scrambling to find a new trademark to stay relevant in the global dog scene.
“We’ve been trying out a few things, but nothing is really sticking,” said Sparkles, senior vice-secretary of the Global Council of Corgis. “We’re too small to be guard dogs, don’t have the stamina to be hunting dogs, and everything we can do as lap dogs can be accomplished with a bunch of fluffy blankets.”
“We should’ve gotten in on the fire station thing before the Dalmatians beat us to it. We thought the Queen would last much longer than centralized safety services.”
Efforts to remain culturally relevant have many corgis considering a return to their roots as herding dogs, but many doubt that will yield results. “Have you seen the size of us versus the size of a cow? I know we’re supposed to be hard working, but come on,” states Pepper, who’s fairly certain she was only picked out of the shelter because her family is such Royal fans.
“If we were really bred to herd those things, then humans must suck at genetic cultivation. Which probably explains pugs.”
The Global Council of Corgis has also tried to stress that corgis should not be picky when it comes to finding a new identity. “Seriously, don’t stick your nose up at anything at this point.” Sparkles wrote in the latest GCC blog post. “Corpse detection, replacements for better dogs that have passed, horses for spoiled babies. Whatever the humans ask you to do, just run with it!”
After the Queen’s state funeral, all corgis began a mass exodus out of Buckingham Palace in what locals are referring to as “The Migration of the Corgis.” The departure was started by the Queen’s 3 named corgis, and over 500 other corgis that were breeding and living in secret in the crevasses of the palace. It’s speculated at least half of the corgis are headed to Saudi Arabia after hearing a rumour that Prince Muhammad bin Salman likes dogs.
“Yeah, all the corgis are gone. Except for the one that somehow became a duke and is still clinging to power,” said Clive Johnson, a groundskeeper at the palace. “Rats always flee a sinking ship I guess. I just hope those little sons of bitches can keep their mouths shut!”
A recent survey of Corgis shows that the most popular options for new gimmicks include therapy dogs, going feral and returning to the state of nature, or somehow making that meme that compares their butts to loaves of bread work for them. The unanimously least popular option is being the pets of Charles III.
At press times, representatives from the council were meeting with various law offices to see if there was any viability in the idea of a “litigation support dog”
Jesus Christ is King
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