TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputable institution than Hockey Canada.
“Tim Hortons pulling their sponsorship from the men’s side of Hockey Canada is the right thing to do,” said patron Oscar Hortenza, “and I’m not used to them doing the right thing. It feels weird – like the texture of a Tim Hortons bagel.”
The confusion is understandable because Canadians do not expect the Brazilian-owned restaurant chain to be on the right side of history and are more used to them cutting break times and benefits for employees or making ads that dare people to eat their food.
“We want to put a lot of ice between ourselves and Hockey Canada,” said Tim Hortons spokesperson Kathy Fleegman. “For example, our employee hazing rituals are not sick and abusive like theirs. We just drop used urinal cakes into gray mop water and force new recruits to guzzle the swamp mix.”
“In the end, we just felt it was important for Tim Hortons to distance itself from the concept of secret slush funds used to hide criminal behaviour.”
In related news, Telus has announced it has also cut ties with Hockey Canada – but it did so via its wireless network so the message was delayed by a day.
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