TORONTO – Unsubstantiated reports have begun to circulate throughout the metro area that some kind of municipal election may be taking place, quite possibly right under residents’ noses.
“I keep hearing weird rumours,” explained Parkdale resident Marcia Kapoor. “But Toronto elections are like a year long and have debates and people campaigning and stuff, and I haven’t seen any of that whatsoever.”
Throughout the city, residents have remarked on unsubstantiated gossip about some kind of looming election, though most have chalked these up to mere urban legends. Sources indicate some citizens have spotted loose flyers containing bright headshots of enthusiastic-looking professionals, though the information contained within was too vague to discern what was actually being promised.
“I read something about ‘a proud Eglinton citizen for 20 years’,” reports Toronto resident Thom Wilkins, “but the rest was just gibberish about ‘green space’ and ‘innovation’. It might’ve been for a lawn maintenance company?”
“Anyway,” Wilkins added, “I couldn’t tell anything from the mysterious flyer, and nobody I showed it to had heard anything about it.”
Some residents have reported isolated whispers about “polling stations” circulating on the TTC, though these rumours have ended up consistently drowned out by announcements for service delays and shuttle buses.
Most residents are confident that reports are baseless. “I’ve lived in Toronto my whole life,” says local pipe fitter Zoltan Varga. “I’d know if an election was happening. The last time we had a mayoral election it was international news, back in 2014.”
Meanwhile, social media has tracked some isolated posts from individuals claiming to be “candidates for office”, though these posts are sporadic enough that many have speculated they are actually viral marketing for a new CBC show about a quaint small town politician in Moose Jaw. At present, the most active Toronto social media categories are “garbage bin exploded”, “Gardiner collapse”, “Blue Jays post-season depression”, “Construction rerouted into other construction”, and “Drake sighting”.
When reached for comment about these assorted rumblings, the Toronto Mayor’s Office responded thusly:
“Good afternoon taxpayer! Rest assured Mayor John Tory has heard your question, and he agrees with whatever position would make you feel the happiest. At present he is out of the office attending a meeting of the Rogers Board of Directors, but he will be happy to have his staff send you an official City of Toronto pen. Please allow 6-12 weeks for pen to arrive.”
If you or anyone you know has information about any kind of Toronto municipal election, please contact your local authorities.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.