SEATTLE, WA – Following the unveiling of Buoy, the abomination currently serving as the mascot for the Seattle Krakens, experts have been divided as to how the joyful creature will interact with the current alpha monster of the NFL, Gritty of the Philadelphia Flyers. It is a toss-up between the two horrifying creatures either getting into a conflict or trying to procreate.
“Nature and mascot science tells us that when two species occupy the same ecological niche they will either cohabitate or compete until one is extinct,” said mascot biologist Dr. Tracey Mannon of Seattle University, when questioned why she thinks the mascots will most likely try to eat other.
“Given that all attempts to study Gritty’s genitalia have put every researcher who’s tried in a catatonic state, we have no proof that the two can even crossbreed. It’s my belief that these two will likely try to kill each other, if only out of blind optimism.”
Others are still entrenched in the opinion that two mascots are more likely to reproduce than to fight. “It’s presumptuous to assume that the laws of nature apply to these creatures that are so clearly an affront to them,” states hockey historian Dr. Walt Grisbane of Denver. “Gritty and Buoy actually have a lot in common. They both love skating, getting the crowd excited, and eating live goats.”
Despite the sheer horror that either outcome would bring, long-time sports fans are expressing their support for their least hated mascot. “If Gritty comes here, you know my boy Buoy is going to either kick his ass or tap that ass all night long!” Kraken’s fan Steven O’Toole told the press. “He’s got way more power and is nowhere near as hideous as Gritty. At least Buoy only looks like a child’s failed attempt to draw a troll from Frozen that steals children in the middle of the night.”
Surprisingly, the players of both teams have refused to comment on any possible brawl/tryst between the two. Flyers goaltender Carter Hart says that most of the players try to ignore Gritty, who they believe was created to motivate the team through fear.
“Look, at the end of the game, we just try to corral that freak back into his electrified cage and try to avoid looking into his crazed Muppet eyes. I try to forget about him when we’re not on the ice.”
Some say the NHL should be held accountable for bringing Gritty and Buoy together in the first place.
“Buoy is a troll, and Gritty can only have originated from the deepest part of the ocean where no light can reach. They would thankfully never meet in the wild,” Dr. Mannon said in a letter to the NHL commissioner. “Now if Seattle ever plays Philadelphia, audiences will be subjected to one of these grotesque mascots either disemboweling the other or getting it on with them. Both prospects are equally terrifying.”
The most recent polls show that Gritty is expected to win any confrontation that should occur since he can presumably fly and may not have any physical form under his hair.
Comments are closed.