EDMOND, OK — YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind’s Bible-reading experience. Effective this week, genealogies in the Old and New Testaments are now skippable through a handy shortcut on all YouVersion Bible applications.
“Nobody reads those – everyone’s been pretending they do, but we gathered over 250,000 gigabytes of data that demonstrate everyone’s lying,” said YouVersion CEO Bobby Gruenewald. “Now to be clear, using this button to literally skip over the word of God does make you a terrible Christian, but we’re trying to accommodate for our weaker brothers and sisters.”
The newly available button will allow readers to leapfrog over these “inspired interruptions”, as the update description says, so readers can get back to “the main story”. The app developers have accounted for audio Bible readers as well, with loud notifications of “Inbound Genealogy Alert”, so no reader is accidentally assaulted with a list of “begats”.
Critics say that the genealogies demonstrate God’s faithfulness in preserving His covenant people, as well as describing the vital Messianic lineage. However, those critics also happen to be super-Christians who read physical Bibles rather than reading the Bible on an app, like a common heathen. As such, the developers have decided to ignore them and respond to the simple data analytics showing genealogies get skipped 101% of the time, with a margin of error of 1%.
YouVersion does plan to track who uses the “Skip Genealogies” button, and send those users periodic reminders that they are abominable sinners.
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