10 Things You Can Do To Make Sure Our Elections Are Secure

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It can be hard to bother voting, especially when every election that hasn’t gone your way has been rigged. But don’t give up; you can do plenty to keep our elections safe and fair.

Check out these sweet life hacks to a secure election:

1. Hire Kyle Rittenhouse to stand outside your polling place: He’ll protect your polling location from Antifa thugs.
2. Set up life-sized cardboard cutouts of Dinesh D’Souza to scare away mules: His face haunts the dreams of many a ballot mule.
3. Outlaw mail-in ballots and only accept votes cast through TRUTH Social comments: TRUTH Social is where the TRUE patriots hang out.
4. Vote multiple times to make sure they’re paying attention: If you can cheat the election, so can anyone! You better vote 30,000 times just to be on the safe side.
5. Put ballots under Mjölnir so only the worthy can vote: Why were the unworthy allowed to vote in the first place?
6. Upload your consciousness to a computer system so you can oversee every vote made by every human: Unfortunately, as a transhuman entity, you will lose all voting rights. And your machine heart will no longer understand the meaning of love.
7. Monitor all cemeteries to make sure the dead don’t vote: Keep an eye on pet cemeteries, too. Hamsters have been known to change election outcomes.
8. Invite lots of plumbers to the polls to look out for burst pipes: Every burst pipe is good for about 380,000 fraudulent votes.
9. Hang a sign in each poll booth that says ‘God is watching’: Works every time.
10. Live in a red state: Apparently, they have it figured out there.

Enjoy a safe election season, everyone! Don’t forget to bring a crossbow in case you run into undead voters!

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Can this liberal California couple handle a Texas cookout?

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