Trudeau keeps running mouth about Putin as if Canada isn’t perfect target for nuclear warning shot

GENEVA – Several diplomats have disclosed to the international press their growing concern that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau continues to run his mouth about Putin as if he is oblivious to the fact that anyone looking at a map for the perfect nuclear warning shot wouldn’t immediately draw a giant red “X” over Canada.

“Imagine you’re a Russian General,” said one diplomat who asked not to be named. “You’re feeling cornered and want to launch a nuclear missile to project your power, so you’re looking for a country that says you’re not messing around, but at the same time is inconsequential enough that it won’t start World War 3. Canada’s on a pretty short list of candidates, but their Prime Minister is in the press spouting off like General Patton talking smack about Mussolini.”

International affairs analysts have expressed similar concerns, noting that Canada’s large size already makes it a natural target for a nuclear warning shot.

“Canada has such a large landmass you literally can’t miss it, which would be a pretty big embarrassment for the Russians,” says Oxford University International Affairs Professor Dr. Ian Manning. “Geopolitically speaking, Canada is what we refer to as a nuclear lay-up.”

“You’d really think they’d be trying a little harder to keep their head down, lord knows that’s what we’ve been doing” said one Australian defense attache who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trudeau just really seems insistent on calling out the Russians as if he has Ghenis Khan’s army at his back. Canada doesn’t even have an aircraft carrier.”

While some say Canada’s NATO membership will keep the country safe, members of allied militaries have privately expressed that it may not be enough.

“I mean yeah sure, TECHNICALLY as a NATO member if Canada is attacked all NATO members including the US are SUPPOSED to defend it,” says one US General who agreed to speak on background.

“But honestly the US kind of has a lot going on right now. Is America going to risk starting World War 3 over some country most Americans can’t even find on a map? Besides, as far as NATO members go they’ve kind of been slacking on the whole spending 2% of their GDP on their military to be a useful NATO ally thing. It wouldn’t hurt to remind them that the privileges of membership come at a price.”

“The points Trudeau’s making aren’t without merit,” says Dr. Mirium Omar, head of a Swiss think tank. “We’re just saying he might want to take it down a few degrees given Putin’s temper and the fact his country is basically just a massive, defenceless bomb range.”

“Trudeau is out at the UN talking about how Ukraine needs an air shield to protect against Russia’s terrorist acts,” continued Omar. “He’s not wrong, but he really might want to consider getting an air shield himself before talking all that smoke.”

“Plus, we can’t forget that in politics personality matters. Imagine you’re a Russian General entering the target vector for a nuclear warning shot and you’re debating between Canada, Greenland, and Australia. One look at that face and you know exactly where they’re sending it.”

Beaverton