Galactic Empire Requests Amnesty For Anyone Who May Have Gotten Carried Away And Blown Up A Planet

CORUSCANT — Acknowledging past decisions that, while well intended, were destructive, and learning a ragtag team of rebels might win again, the Galactic Empire has proposed amnesty for anyone who may have gotten a little carried away and blown up several planets.

“This is supposed to be a happy galaxy. Let’s not bicker and argue about who annihilated whose planet,” wrote Grand Moff Ardus Kaine in a guest opinion piece published by The Atlantic after polls showed destroying Alderaan just to get a politician to squeal did not sit well with the galaxy’s citizens. “Oopsies happen. Forgive and forget, I always say.”

Kaine expounded on the need to forgive those who were forced to decide to erase entire systems from the galactic map while not having all of the information available at the time. He went on to advocate celebrating the moments in which only single reactors were used by Death Stars to vaporize millions of lives in mere seconds when multiple reactors could have easily been used.

“We have to put these fights aside and declare a planetary destruction amnesty. We can forgive the hard calls that people had no choice but to make with imperfect knowledge. Moving on is crucial now, because blowing up planets created many problems that we still need to solve. Together.”

When asked to comment about Grand Moff Kaine’s amnesty proposal, the residents of Horuz, Kessel’s moon, and Alderaan gave no reply.

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