Theologians Confirm ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ Doesn’t Apply To Your Kids’ Halloween Candy

GENEVA — An international Protestant council of scholars and theologians has met this week and formally declared that the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Steal” does not apply to parents repossessing their children’s Halloween haul.

“The Decalogue used simple language for the Israelites to understand their obligations to God and their fellow man – but ‘stealing’ is a multifaceted issue, and it applies not to parents sneaking their children’s candy.” French-Swiss Bible scholar Andre LaFleur spoke on behalf of the council to announce their findings. “As a side note, the ‘commandments’ are more like guidelines, anyway.”

The council enumerated acceptable candy stealing, adding that parents are entitled to pilfer through their children’s candy searching for Reece’s, Peanut M&Ms, and Snickers, without violating biblical injunctions against stealing. Several non-Protestant denominations have applied for admission so that they too can steal their kid’s candy, but due to delays will be forming a separate ecumenical council to ensure findings are announced before next Halloween.

At publishing time, Jehovah’s Witnesses were wondering what holiday everyone was talking about and asking what holidays are.

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