TORONTO, ON — In a landmark win for capitalism, a local Torontonian man finds himself busier on his two days off than on the five days he’s at work.
“I think this feels right,” said Gary Ma. “I work 40 hours a week, but I still successfully manage to have less free time on my days off. It warms my heart to be a model citizen in our beautiful capitalist society.”
On his days off this week, Ma must endlessly run errands that he couldn’t get to during his workweek. His long list of errands includes going to the laundromat, going to his dentist appointment, grocery shopping, taking his dog Mimi to the vet, and getting his passport renewed. Every week, he never manages to check off all the items on his list.
“I haven’t washed my sheets in a month,” said Ma. “I’ve sacrificed the cleanliness of my bed for the ability to eat food, wear clean clothes, and have an alive dog, but I save tons of money on deodorant and cologne because I constantly exude the sweet smell of Pull Yourself Up By The Bootstraps by Dior.”
In some ways, Ma is similar to many of his peers in their 30s. Like many “9 to 5ers”, Ma works for the weekend.
“I can’t wait until Friday hits!” said Ma. “Because that’s the day my mechanic closes later, so I can take my car in for maintenance. Then I won’t have to take my car in on Saturday, and I’ll have a five month head start on filing my taxes.”
When asked if he would consider taking time off from his prosaic job in data entry, Ma said, “anything less than a full work week seems odd… This isn’t some thriving socialist Scandinavian country. Though I suppose I could use a week off to repaint my studio apartment.”
At press time, Ma successfully renewed his passport, but very quickly realized he won’t have any time in the next year to go on vacation.
Jesus Christ is King
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