Elon Musk is in charge at Twitter – let that sink in for a moment! Unfortunately for many workers, he has already announced plans for mass layoffs of positions due to redundancies, inefficiencies, and unnecessary perks. Here are the positions we think are on the chopping block as Elon starts tightening up the ship:
- Nap Coordinator: They make sure the beds are made between bunk changeouts and everyone gets tucked in tight for their naps.
- Safe Space Crayon Sharpener: Dull crayons are traumatizing.
- Assistant To The Backup Yoga Instructor: How will they instruct yoga without an assistant?
- Todd: Get him outta here, along with Steve!
- Chinese Communist Party/DHS Liaison: Due to the surprising overlap between these teams, only 19 employees were affected.
- The 5,498-Person Department That Counts The Letters In Each Tweet Before You Can Send It: Apparently, computers can do this now.
- Break Room Sommelier: Gone, along with this unnecessary wine taster’s massage therapist!
- Rooftop Cornhole Sideline Referee: No longer needed since the rooftop is now a SpaceX launchpad!
- Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Enforcer: This eliminates the employee headcount by 38 people, all replaced by one Senior VP Of Basedness – who looks suspiciously like Elon in his SNL Mario mustache.
- CEO: Fired & replaced!
- The Janitor’s Personal Chef, Caviar Spreader, And Manicurist: 3 positions eliminated in one fell swoop.
- AOC Tweet Grammar Corrector: This was one of the only jobs that took a full 8 hours per day to complete.
- All Emotional Support Animal Handlers: This includes dog walkers, emotional support ferret feeders, therapeutic goat massage artists. Sad!
- In-House Grooming Representative: Protecting the civil rights of America’s groomers!
- Pronoun Consultants: 300 people with this job description? Seems excessive.
- In-House Gender Reassignment Surgeon: Employees will now have to get their gender changed at the clinic across the street.
- Liberal Tears Wiper: Replaced with boxes of Kleenex. Brutal.
- High Five Coordinator: Will be replaced with drill sergeants armed with Musk flamethrowers for maximum intimidation.
- Bathroom Constipation Counselor: This important employee cheered people on in the stalls shouting: “You can do it!” They are no longer needed as bathroom breaks are now forbidden.
- 5th Floor Janitor, Who Just Happened To Be Doing A Terrible Job And Really Needed To Go: He was really on his way out anyway.
- Smoothie Raspberry Seeds Removal Specialist: This lady removed all the raspberry seeds from the smoothies by hand so they wouldn’t get stuck in people’s teeth. So nice!
- Hunter Biden: Hey, how did he get on the payroll??
- Shadowban Division: Woah, your crazy MAGA uncle is trending again!
- Smash Bros. Tournament Organizer: Sad to see him go.
- Director of Reparations: This person walked around the office stealing office supplies from white people to give to BIPOCS.
- Drag Show Event Planner: IS NOTHING SACRED?!
- Internal January 6 Commission: 1,200 employees, gone like that.
With these lay-offs, experts predict the Twitter workforce to be down to 12 people by the end of this week.
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