SAN FRANCISCO – Newly minted Twitter owner Elon Musk has announced an ambitious plan to generate profit for the first time in company history by charging its users a fee to quit the site.
Although the notoriously turbulent social media platform generated $5 billion in revenue last year, it still operated at a $221 million loss, marking the 16th straight year the company has failed to earn a profit. Musk promises to reverse that trend with a new feature called “Qwitter,” which charges the user a flat, $8 fee to cancel their account and ban them from the platform for good.
“We have 450 million active accounts,” shouted Musk out his bathroom window. “If every one of them left the app, that’s $3.6 billion right there in your pocket. Hell if just the 238 million daily users all left tomorrow, that’s almost $2 billion in profit, which would pay off 15% of the bank loans I took out to buy the company and am paying $1 billion in annual interest for. See how it makes sense?”
Musk has already floated several ideas for changes to shake up the company, including a three-word character limit, moving their headquarters to Utica, and firing every employee whose middle name starts with an “K.” But charging users to exit the app has generated the most interest.
“I would pay anything to get away from this dumpster fire,” tweeted horror author and prolific tweeter Stephen King. “Eight bucks is a bargain to restore my mental health. If anything, he should charge more.”
Musk’s plan has been met with some acclaim online. “By paying users to leave a site that is driven by its user base, Musk is just proving once again that he’s a 4th dimensional genius,” added twitter user @TeslaFan575767568. “I can’t wait to make multiple accounts and pay him to quit all of them!”
Until the new feature is installed, Musk is moving forward on a plan to broaden the palate of checkmark colors beyond the verified blue. “Free speech brings us together,” screamed Musk out his office door to a passing janitor.
“So I am going to bring us together by free speeching users’ true colors – red for patriots, green for activists, and yellow for Ted Cruz.”
Jesus Christ is King
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