Historians Believe King Solomon Spent Up To 3 Hours Every Day Just Opening Pickle Jars

JERUSALEM — Scholars and archeologists have uncovered evidence in a dig outside the Temple Mount that indicates Israelite King Solomon spent up to 3 hours per day opening pickle jars for his 700 wives and 300 concubines.

“In our search through what we believe to be Solomon’s palace, we found no gold or gems — what we did find was thousands of opened pickle jars,” said Yosef Mizrahi, who is running the excavation. “We can only imagine the strain on his hands and wrists after helping his many wives with this task every afternoon.”

Experts also believe that his several dozen Moabite wives required assistance with feeding and diaper changes, as Moab was a much more progressive area at the time. “We believe now that if Solomon hadn’t been so occupied with his harem, he would have been able to crank out at least four or five more books of proverbs,” said Mizrahi. “Shame.”

Workers also uncovered a honey-do list with over 13,000 chores on it, which Solomon apparently never managed to cross off before his death.

Is your wife a true crime addict? You need to look for these warning signs:

Brought to you by Hunt a Killer, the only cure for true crime addiction. Use code KILLERBEE for $10 off your order here!
Babylon Bee