EDMONTON – According to local sources, polymath Alan Fowler never ceases to amaze everyone he meets with his incredible artistic talent, deep knowledge of classical literature, and unshakeable belief that the sun revolves around the Earth.
“Alan paints these gorgeous portraits where the subject’s life radiates from the canvas,” said an unnamed friend. “But then he starts going on about how he’s inspired by the ‘movement of the celestial spheres,’ and the next thing you know he’s calling Copernicus a ‘knave.’”
Insisting the “science is obvious,” and that heliocentrism is a “passing fad,” Fowler is so serious about his geocentric stance that he recently attended a Flat Earth convention to castigate the attendees for their ignorance.
“Fools!” he bellowed to the occupants of the airport Holiday Inn conference room, “15 centuries of science tell us that the Earth is a perfect sphere fixed at the heart of the cosmos, eternally orbited by the sun and the planets in circles drawn by the all-mighty divine. Read a damn tome!”
Fowler then offered to demonstrate the curvature of the Earth to anyone willing to join him in his brand-new ornithopter.
The unparalleled savant also sculpts, writes poetry, and subscribes to a 16th century view of medical science.
“I modelled for one of Alan’s sculptures, and he kept insisting my ‘sallow’ skin was caused by ‘unbalanced humours,’” an anonymous woman said. “Then he called me ‘phlegmatic’ and asked to see a urine sample. When I told him I couldn’t go he insisted I take some leeches for the road.”
“I think it’s important for an artist to be well-rounded,” Fowler told a reporter. “In fact, next week I’ll be opening a new mixed media exhibit and making another attempt to transmute lead into gold, assuming my latest round of bloodletting beats this pesky cold.”
At press time, Fowler was being rushed to the hospital after his attempt to ease his migraine with trepanning went awry.
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