Arizona Election Officials Confirm Ballots Are Being Counted By George R.R. Martin

PHOENIX, AZ — Hopes for the timely counting of Arizona ballots have hit a snag as famed author George R.R. Martin has been placed in charge of counting the state’s ballots.

This news comes at a time when the nation anxiously awaits Arizona’s final tally, as the balance of party power is at stake. The author expressed a desire to count as rapidly as his muse would allow so he can quickly return to disappointing his fans.

“It is an honor to be selected to count the Arizona ballots,” wrote Martin in a blog post that reportedly took 17 months to write and rewrite. “No matter which way the winds blow, through winter or spring, the ballot count will decide who games the next throne. Crows.”

The author, best known for A Song of Ice and Fire, an incest-fantasy book series estimated to be completed when the ever-expanding sun envelopes a broiling, scorched earth, has committed to begin his custom ballot counting process that included a pre-count, two post-pre-counts, a re-count, a pre-re-count post count, a count, a post-pre-re-count, a 12-year HBO TV series sabbatical, another re-count, and an admission that the 37-year old computer on which he tabulated the ballot count has crashed.

At publishing time, Martin had delayed the release of the ballots after agreeing to write a cookbook, draw up an atlas, and appear at 537 comic conventions.

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