VANCOUVER – Illustrating beautifully the old adage that Rome wasn’t built in a day, local woman Anne Hill is proving that we all really do have to start somewhere after cracking her knuckles and typing “news” into google.
Despite nearing 30, reports indicate that Hill has maintained a passive at best relationship with the news, frequently putting off efforts to learn more, or anything. Now, as news stories continue to happen at an alarming rate, she has resolved to learn more about them.
“The thing about news is there’s a lot of it and it never stops happening,” said Hill when reached for comment. “There’s so much that I just don’t know where to start. Every article I click on requires me to google at least three other things to understand it.”
“My strategy has now shifted to just typing out ‘news’ and making an entire night of it,” Hill added, seemingly energized.
Every mile must begin with a single step and, despite the uphill battle, Hill is trying her best to learn the bare minimum about the world she lives in.
“Ooohhh… so that’s why I’ve been wearing a mask,” Hill was heard whispering as she opened her seventh tab.
Sources close to Hill report that her recent passion for learning the news of the world was sparked following a night at a local restaurant with close friends. Witnesses report that once the conversation shifted towards politics and current events, Hill quickly appeared glassy-eyed and despondent.
“She seemed really engaged when we were talking about the latest season of Drag Race All Stars, but as soon as the conversation shifted towards current events Anne began nodding absentmindedly and there was a palpable panic in the air,” recalled close friend Kevin Pots. “She just kept saying ‘yeah it’s so crazy what’s happening over there’ even though we were talking about the LOCAL housing crisis.”
“It then became clear she had no idea about what’s happening in Ukraine,” Potts added. “I think she genuinely believes Kiev is a city in Pennsylvania.”
Her friends went on to say that Hill seems to have a sub-zero level of understanding of current events, and that a simple google search was probably as good a place as any to start.
No stranger to trying, sources also report that just last month Hill prepared for a date with Investor by typing “money?” into Google.
At press time, Hill had visibly become overwhelmed with the Sisyphean nature of her undertaking.
“Oh my god!” Hill was heard sighing as she scrolled down the list of search results without pausing to read the headline. “There’s so much news!”
Jesus Christ is King
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