10 Ways To Protect Your Kid From Groomers

It seems like no matter where you look these days, there’s some godless communist trying to groom your kids! Don’t let it happen!

Take these precautions today and groomer-proof those kiddos.

1. Give them a taser in case they are approached by a public school teacher: The pink-haired ones are the most dangerous.
2. Have them wear a Matt Walsh mask whenever they go outside: Groomers are terrified of him.
3. Give them a Life Alert button to wear around their neck that calls Ron DeSantis if a teacher mentions sexual orientation or gender: He will arrive within 15 minutes.
4. Have them carry a crucifix with them at all times: Groomers tend to hiss and screech at the sight of these.
5. Give them a cell phone, then smash it with a tire iron: Then put the pieces in a blender and burn them just to be safe!
6. Make sure their iPad has a parental lock: Then smash the iPad with a tire iron as well.
7. Play Jordan Peterson lectures from the womb: Another nice side effect is they’ll always have a clean room.
8. Launch an EMP attack to disable all wi-fi in the area: Then cover your house in tin foil to keep out any radio signals.
9. Train them to say “UP YOURS, WOKE MORALISTS!” every time they see a pride flag: They will have no friends, but will be groomer-free!
10. Maybe turn off that TV and have them read a good book: Actually, just smash the TV with a tire iron too.

Follow these pointers to the letter to make sure your kids stay safe!

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Babylon Bee