Top 10 Ways To Help The Poor Without Ever Lifting A Finger

Brought to you by Compassion International:

It’s important for Christians to live a life of charity, but it’s, like, really hard. Wouldn’t it be great if you could support the poor without putting any effort or self-sacrifice into it? Now there are ten ways!

Sort of support the poor with these great methods:

1. Send thoughts and prayers: You don’t even have to get out of bed!
2. Yell at them to get a job: This will motivate them to become productive members of society.
3. Vote for high taxes, which will totally go to the poor: This may appear to perpetuate the homeless crisis, but that just means it’s working.
4. Have your butler do it: He knows tons of poor people.
5. Give a “crying face” react when you see something about poor people on social media: This awards you with at least 5 faith/works points which can be exchanged in Heaven for a small prize.
6. Make eye contact with the homeless and quietly mouth, “I’m sorry,” while stopped in traffic: Sometimes they just need to know you care.
7. Start tracking your carbon emissions for proper taxation: Helping the earth is literally the same as helping the poor we think.
8. Donate your unwanted and about-to-expire canned goods to charity: Ugh, lima beans!
9. Pay a kid to mow your lawn: Kids are very poor.
10. Say, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled”: Problem solved.

Stick to these tried and true methods to become the most benevolent person around! Or, you could consider actually doing something that matters. But that sounds hard.

NOT SATIRE: When you sponsor a child with Compassion International, you help equip a child in extreme poverty with the skills and opportunities they need to succeed. A sponsored child receives opportunities and services that most of the world’s poorest children never see. Your help can provide clean water, medical checkups, healthy food, education assistance, and key life skills training. The child you sponsor will be part of a church-based program where Christian adults offer love, guidance, personal attention, guided recreation, and safety. And most importantly, sponsoring a child gives you and that child an opportunity to see the truth of the Gospel in action. For only $38 a month, you can begin sponsoring a child today and provide help to a child in need.

Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more guffaw-inducing chucklefests!
Babylon Bee