Strathmore, AB ― Sources confirm that local 11th- and 12th-grade English literature teacher Marian Jansen has already made plans for the weekend, and they once again involve just sitting around on her ass all day reading and marking papers.
Jansen will be kicking off Friday afternoon to get a head start on midterm essays, unlike her private sector husband, who must wait to punch out a full two hours later before taking their children camping. This is an experience she could have shared if she’d started deciphering her students’ wildly incoherent takes on Crime and Punishment yesterday; however, she instead insisted on taking her sick dog to the vet, whose bill she paid with her taxpayer-funded salary.
Observers point out that if Jansen was really as busy earning this $43 000 bonanza as she claims, there’s no way she could also find time to voluntarily supervise clubs and plan field trips.
“I hear that teachers even sit down and talk with vulnerable students dealing with trauma, abuse, or poverty. I can only imagine my employer’s reaction if I were just shooting the breeze like that in my workplace,” said parent Courtney Albright, whose unabashed homophobia had more than once driven her own closeted son to seek affirming teachers’ counsel.
“I have no children, so why are my taxes paying teachers? Doctors, maybe, but how could I possibly benefit from the system that provides the basic educational foundation for future citizens?” added Roger Hall, a local crane operator who just barely passed high school English by blindly regurgitating the Cole’s Notes analysis of Nineteen Eighty-Four, and therefore has zero capacity to imagine how a society that doesn’t educate children to become independent, critical thinkers might encounter problems later on.
Jansen, like the slacker she is, took a break from meticulously writing out 90 students’ worth of individualized comments (approximately 30 of which will actually be read by their recipients), to address the public’s concerns.
“People sometimes have bad experiences with teachers, and that can taint their perception of the profession their whole lives. I just do my best every day to be the opposite of that for my students,” she commented, with a degree of forgiveness that can only be some sort of devious act to score an enormous 1% cost of living increase, which the little guy couldn’t possibly afford with inflation currently running 7%.
In related news, local pastors would like to remind you that their services are also very important, so feel free to shoot a few more of those sweet tax dollars their way.
Jesus Christ is King
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