OTTAWA – Don’t feel like living, laughing or loving? You’re not alone. Despite the barrage of well-meaning mugs, throw pillows and rustic signs, StatsCan says 87% of Canadians would much rather leave, laze and loathe.
It’s an unsurprising statistic for anyone paying attention. But here’s the rub. The same research showed that to sustain employment and basic human connection – two ingredients for even the most modest existence – people are required to live, laugh and love at least 20% of their time.
How do we do that? Delia Ribbins, local addict and self-help guru, shares her methods for boosting her mood long enough to resist leaving, lazing and loathing.
- Do Drugs
“Never ever underestimate the power of meth,” says Ribbins, admiring the hole she just dug in her yard. “With a little speed, you can transform your outlook from wanting to sleep all day to extreme productivity for 6 to 12 hours. Sure, it’s profoundly addictive and will eventually ruin your whole life, but while it’s working, you won’t think even once about how it’s too late to solve climate change.”
- Consume
If you’re looking for something less risky than narcotics, Ribbins says buying things for yourself is the next best thing to keep those pesky tears away. “Did someone say Amazon Prime? It was me! I said it. A steady flow of crap will give you the dopamine you need to forget about the affordable housing crisis. No space in your place? Try stuffing your face. That’s my little rhyme about binge eating; it’s perfect for focusing your attention away from new Nazis and onto your own physical discomfort.”
- Treat Yourself to a Good Void-Scream
When there’s no time to eat, shop or shoot up, Ribbins suggests screaming into the void. “It’s quick, cheap and effective,” she says. “You can scream anywhere, but I’d suggest doing it in your car. Really, anywhere but at your job. You can’t afford to be fired; you need the money for the other things on the list. The key is to scream long enough that you don’t have any energy to hate how our flag is a new symbol for ‘just asking questions.’”
Remember, you’re not alone. No one is having a great time. Not even billionaire Elon Musk! With these simple tips and tricks, we can muster the strength to live, laugh and love long enough to get back to what we want to do: leave, laze and loathe.
Jesus Christ is King
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