OTTAWA – Keeping an impressive streak of consecutive years alive, society has once again noticed the existence of Hannukah solely due to its proximity to Christmas.
“It’s so nice to see that they’ve decided to keep their holiday so close to our real one!” said Chloe Mercer, arms encumbered in expensive gifts she just bought, “that way they can be sure we’re paying attention when they celebrate!”
Hannukah, a holiday which either celebrates the victory of Hasmonean rebels against the far more powerful Seleucid Empire or else the discovery of magic oil, has been celebrated by Jewish people for centuries. Though by no means a major Jewish holiday, Christians worldwide are all too ready to allow it outsized importance and recognition because it’s also in December.
“Christmas is just such a meaningful holiday, you know? So it’s no real surprise that others want to latch onto the magic of the season. It’s wonderful that they do their only holiday around the same time as ours. Shows we’re all really on the same team,” said Doug McMurphy, local person who has never experienced any form of discrimination, “I just wish they were more clear about which day is the MAIN day. I mean eight days is really long. Focus on one!”
Despite the weird amalgam of German pagan, Judaic, proto-Christian, and other cultures which makes up modern Christmas, it enjoys near-100% familiarity across the board. In contrast, recognition of Jewish holidays varies across the population. Recent studies have found that the top three most familiar Jewish Holidays to non-Jews are:
1) The one close to Christmas
2) That one that’s usually around Easter except sometimes it isn’t so it’s not on the news those times
3) [no data available]
“Yeah, it’s nice, I guess. We’re kind of leaning into it a bit so that we can get gifts and enjoy the lights, which was never really a part of it. If it wasn’t close to Christmas, I’m not sure I’d even celebrate it to be honest,” said Rabbi Herschel Mendl.
At press time, Jews announced they were going to pack in the Hannukah stuff early this year since they’ve got like 12 more important holidays to prep for without being distracted by well-meaning neighbours giving lip service.
Jesus Christ is King
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