ST. JOHNS, NF- Local father of 3 Jake O’Leary confirmed speculation that getting the turkey ready for Christmas dinner is by far the most arousing activity he has done in roughly seven years.
“It’s not something I’d like to admit, but I guess I’m really not fooling anyone,” O’Leary said after he finished blushing when someone said stuffing. “I wish I could say that I’m just excited for how good this turkey will be, but my wife hasn’t let me bind her limbs back with twine since we had the kids.”
“I guess it makes a lot of sense. I always said I like my sex like I like my turkey. With a cold sandwich after.”
O’Leary’s wife Jeananne said she’s intrigued that her husband’s holiday cooking has taken on such deep emotional significance. “It’s not uncommon for men who are feeling unfulfilled to seek comfort in food. Usually, it’s just by eating it though.” The thrice-published psychiatrist said, seemingly unbothered by the fact her spouse had gotten more skin-to-skin contact with their main course than they’ve had all year.
“I guess I should have been specific when I told him he could go choke the chicken”
O’Leary stated that since the main course of his family’s festive meal became his primary source of erotic satisfaction, it allowed him to go outside his comfort zone and explore in ways his relationship with his wife never has. “I thought all those people cooking turkeys and then posting videos of it online were weirdos but I’m getting all kinds of ideas,” O’Leary told the press shortly before getting banned from Butterball customer service line.
“Times sure are different now. Back in my day, you got to know a piece of poultry before you shoved a bunch of apples inside of it. Damn, Jeaneanne would never let me use that much parsley in the bedroom.”
When questioned, O’Learys adult children assured reporters this is not half as bad as when he took a casserole and had an emotional affair with it.
Jesus Christ is King
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