FORT MYERS, FL—Unable to make their way through the hardened, sunburnt exterior, flesh-eating bacteria Vibrio vulnificus reportedly struggled Friday to chew through leathery Florida residents. “Oh God, I can’t even necrotize this person’s skin, it’s so damn tough,” said one of the bacteria, claiming that the gristly old retiree must have gotten overcooked baking in the Florida sun. “I’ve eaten a lot of people in my day, but never have I had someone so rubbery and fibrous. Ugh, it’s like I’ve infected a shoe. I should have noticed by the liver spots that the flesh was no good.” At press time, sources confirmed the flesh-eating bacteria were about to puke.
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