Police Release Composite Sketch Of What They Would Prefer Murder Suspect To Look Like

INDIANAPOLIS—Circulating the image widely, local police released a composite sketch Friday of what the department preferred the murder suspect they were hunting to look like. “We’ve been able to put together this photo-realistic drawing of the murderer based on what witnesses have told us, as well as what we think would fit his persona the best,” said Police Chief Robert Granado, holding up a detailed pencil sketch of what they imagined the man committing grisly crimes in the area could look and dress like, complete with an exciting backstory they created for him. “Regardless of what the families of his victims, photos, and footprints have indicated, we believe we are chasing a remarkably large and muscular man, upwards of 8-foot-2, because the pronounced jawline we decided to give him in our rendering would have looked odd on the 5-foot-10, 165-pound frame he had when captured on the grocery store’s security video. As you can see, we’re on the hunt for your standard anti-hero from an action-sci-fi film, whom all the men want to be, and all the women want to be with, so if you see anyone matching that description, do not approach—we decided he should be armed with a bazooka, and therefore is fictionalized to be extremely dangerous.” Granado added that they now preferred the half-man, half-cyborg murder suspect to have come from the future—not from Cincinnati, as previous reports indicated.

The Onion