Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan

By admin On Dec 30, 2022

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Too many innocent people to count have died at the hands of devout Swifties, hell-bent on revenge. For your own safety, never say these things to a Taylor Swift fan.

2 / 23

“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”

Unless you have a death wish, we would avoid blaming Taylor for any nationwide E. coli outbreaks.

3 / 23

“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”

Sure, we’ve been told that Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols had no help blowing up the FBI headquarters in Oklahoma City, but Taylor’s lack of an alibi can’t be ignored.

4 / 23

“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”

Mom, come on!

5 / 23

“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”

Taylor’s fans hate being confronted with the fact that her Photoshop and Illustrator skills are mediocre at best.

6 / 23

“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”

This is very insulting because all Taylor Swift fans watch these commercials on a loop for several hours each day.

7 / 23

“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”

Eat shit and die, how about that?

8 / 23

“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”

This is a common mistake, but that’s actually Billy Joel.

9 / 23

“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”

Look, an antitrust ally is an antitrust ally, regardless of how they got there, okay?

10 / 23

“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”

No offense to the Japanese people, but this haunting parable about loving a ghost has nothing on the song “cardigan.”

11 / 23

“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”

No need to ruin the façade for them too.

12 / 23

“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”

Taylor can and will strike you dead by lightning on a sunny day just for saying that.

13 / 23

“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”

I guess you haven’t read her research as the lead scientist of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.

14 / 23

“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”

That’s just a weird thing to brag about.

15 / 23

“She can’t dance!”

Well, neither could Martin Luther King Jr., but we still listen to all his bops.

16 / 23

“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”

Don’t be mean, there’s no need to spoil her mystique.

17 / 23

“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

While it’s fair to say that Midnights doesn’t hold a candle to Wagner’s 15-hour epic opera, it’s not nice to remind people about that.

18 / 23

“She’s just for teen girls.”

No, she was just for teen girls, but now those teen girls are 30 and have developed an appetite for revenge.

19 / 23

“The dubstep icon?”

Swifties have worked hard to forget Taylor’s brief electronic dance music phase back in the aughts.

20 / 23

“I work for Ticketmaster.”

You really shouldn’t tell anybody that.

21 / 23

“I’m really only into K-Pop”

It’s just a matter of time before she dominates that genre as well.

22 / 23

“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”

No, you’ll die someday. And according to the posts on Taylor Swift message boards, that day is today.

The Onion

Things To Never Say To A Taylor Swift Fan

“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”

“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”

“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”

“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”

“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”

“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”

“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”

“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”

“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”

“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”

“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”

“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”

“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”

“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”

“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”

“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”

“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”

“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”

“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”

“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”

“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”

“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”

“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”

“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”

“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”

“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”

“She can’t dance!”

“She can’t dance!”

“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”

“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”

“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”

“She’s just for teen girls.”

“She’s just for teen girls.”

“The dubstep icon?”

“The dubstep icon?”

“I work for Ticketmaster.”

“I work for Ticketmaster.”

“I’m really only into K-Pop”

“I’m really only into K-Pop”

“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”

“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”

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