Hey, loser! Are you tired of being a pathetic beta male? Are you tired of striking out with women because of your pitiful soy-boy incompetence? If so, it’s time to take charge of your life and be an ALPHA MALE.
Here are our top 12 alpha male tips for attracting & retaining tons of hot women.
- Never clean your room: Does a bear clean its cave?
- Keep no books or written words in your home: Reading is feminine and will shrink your testicles.
- Eat raw organ meat straight out of a freshly killed animal: Just like our ancestors.
- If a woman says “Hi” to you, punch her in the face: Otherwise, you just seem needy and pathetic.
- Show no affection toward kids: It shows weakness and is a distraction from you achieving your goals. Women love focus.
- Cuddle with other men: To absorb their excess testosterone.
- Spend hours in the gym with other muscular, vascular, bronzed-up alphas with the sweat glistening from their pumped chests: If you don’t, you’re gay.
- Show her your prize kettlebell: If she responds well, she may tour your bull testicle freezer and entire selfie collection.
- Find a nerd, carry him in your jaws to your prize woman, and lay him at her feet: Studies show women respond to this universal sign of interest.
- Don’t ever ask her what she wants for dinner: Be an alpha and force-feed her a 28 oz ribeye.
- Never speak to a woman who is past the age of fertility: Not worth your time.
- Come to think of it, just avoid women at all costs: Because they love men, which is gay.
And that’s it! If our alpha male tactics don’t work for you, don’t worry – you can always get plenty of women, in this life or in the afterlife, by converting to Mormonism or Islam. Enjoy!
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:
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Babylon Bee
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