BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly interesting about the partially dilapidated chain-link fence that he and his dog, Bandit, passed more than six times a day on average, and that to him only smelled like metal. “I thought I taught you to be a little more discerning, but until then, I’ll be the judge of what is and is not deserving of an extra whiff. A normal tree? Yeah, right, buddy, we have those in the yard—no need to waste another five seconds on this one. Oh, back to the fire hydrant—way to lean into stereotypes. Look, if I were you, I would go see what’s up with that single abandoned glove over there. Maybe it doesn’t smell as fascinating as a plain old signpost, but at least it’s something new.” At press time, Granger was seen nodding encouragingly as Bandit buried his snout in a stranger’s crotch.
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