KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re introducing Fleece Chew, which with a single dose puts you well on your way to warmer and cozier internal organs,” said company CEO Eric Artz, who explained that the supplements expanded on contact with digestive juices, lining the walls of the mouth, throat, stomach, intestines, and rectum with a durable, relaxed-fit sherpa fleece made of 100% recycled polyester. “One tablet each day will protect against those cold winds that blow through the mouth and down the gastrointestinal tract when you’re cross-country skiing or scaling a snow-capped peaked. In fact, when you take a thermo-regulating fleece supplement, you lock in twice as much body heat as you do when ingesting an ordinary jacket.” At press time, REI had recalled the new supplements after consumers reported the fleece causing massive bouts constipation.
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