Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood

WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in oceans of blood. “While I hear your concerns and am prepared to make a long list of concessions in exchange for your support, at the end of the day, we all want to joyously stomp on the necks of hardworking Americans as they pathetically cry out for a mercy that shall never come,” the California lawmaker said in an impassioned plea to House Republicans, responding to criticism from far-right members of his party who argue he no longer represents the values of those focused on littering this country from coast to coast with the gory entrails of its docile populace. “We cannot let petty differences get in the way of what could be our most grisly era of violent brutality yet—not while there remains significant common ground on our big-picture goals of every street running red with the sputtering viscera of innocent women and children. I mean, certainly my record of damning my constituents to a life of unparalleled pain and suffering counts for something. Meanwhile, this infighting remains a useless distraction keeping us from slowly drawing our knives across the necks of ordinary Americans and letting the streams of gushing blood spill into our hands until a red tsunami washes away everything in a wave of ferocious splendor. Frankly, I cannot idly stand by as innocent people live to see another day. Can you?” At press time, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) said he would rather see Democrat Hakeem Jeffries take control of the House than someone as soft as McCarthy.

The Onion