HOLLYWOOD, CA — Producers of the Top Gun movie franchise today announced the historic, trail-blazing selection of the first black woman to play Tom Cruise in the forthcoming sequel.
Twenty-three-year-old actress Theresa Chukwuemeka-Shultz, whose previous credits include “girl with hatchet behind zebra” in The Woman King and “Ariana Grande’s black friend” on Instagram, will play the iconic role of Tom Cruise in the next installment of the series, tentatively titled Top Gun: Zoom! Smash! Pow! Kablooey!
Said executive producer Paul Hoover, “Theresa brings to the role of Tom Cruise all of the trail-blazing, historic qualities that audiences are looking for, including blackness and womanness. Also, she’s black. Did I mention she was black?”
Although the role of Tom Cruise had successfully been played by actor Tom Cruise for almost 60 years, producers felt that modern audiences would appreciate the addition of more diversity to the role.
“We thought Tom Cruise had taken the role of Tom Cruise as far as he could,” said co-executive producer Tom Cruise. “And we’re expecting big things from Theresa. After completing this next Top Gun movie, we’re going to digitally insert her into all the old Mission: Impossible movies and then make her the pope of Scientology. It’s gonna be a huge 2023 for black female Tom Cruises!”
The actress herself was similarly optimistic. “The role of Tom Cruise has been dominated by Tom Cruise for too long,” she said. “Audiences want to see what it looks like for a black woman to fly a jet or jump out of a skyscraper or have a weird, loveless marriage with Katie Holmes, and I aim to deliver.”
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Babylon Bee
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