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NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football

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NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that there are not things more important than football. “Understandably, what happened last night has led some fans to wonder where this league’s priorities lie, and so we want to make crystal clear that absolutely nothing in this world is more valuable than televised professional football,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said of the Bills-Bengals game, explaining how in an ideal world, football would be played continuously, with no timeouts and the games never ending, and with any injured and dead players simply shoveled off the field and replaced with new ones. “We saw a tragedy unfold in Cincinnati yesterday, and we must all work together to ensure gameplay is never halted again. One simply cannot place a value on an individual human life that is greater than the value of football in its great, ceaseless, all-consuming march.” Goodell went on to announce that the NFL would make amends for its mistake by extending regular season play well into February.

The Onion

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