Jesus' Coming Back

How The House Speaker Is Elected

Image for article titled How The House Speaker Is Elected

With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is elected.

STEP 1: All Americans best suited to position eliminated well before actual elections.

STEP 2: Each party meets in backroom to vote on which backroom to hold speaker nomination in.

Advertisement

STEP 3: House clerk performs a quorum call, a complex set of tones and whistles that a female quorum finds irresistible.

STEP 4: DNA testing to determine who is most genetically similar to George Washington.

Advertisement

STEP 5: Round-robin ping-pong tournament.

STEP 6: Racist lunatic weighs in.

STEP 7: If no candidate wins on first ballot, the majority party candidate’s opponents are reminded that they’re all in this to destroy the country together.

Advertisement

STEP 8: If a candidate doesn’t win on the first six ballots—well, only a total loser would continue asking for the job after losing six ballots in a row. Seriously, six ballots? How fucking pathetic would that person have to be? Honestly, this would be a national humiliation of epic proportions—so embarrassing, in fact, that you have to assume there’s no chance it will ever actually happen.

STEP 9: New speaker spends sterling career leading unanimous approvals for higher military budgets.

The Onion

Comments are closed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More