Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool

AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as well get really good at pool. “Our moms and dads just ordered their fourth round, and there aren’t any toys to play with, so we figured, why not develop a surprisingly strong pool game?” said Caleb Thompson, 7, who stood with cue in hand at local bar Shooters Pub as he spoke on behalf of children with hard-drinking parents, stating that it only made sense, given how much time they spent in places like this, to practice their bank shots and learn how to put a little spin on the ball. “We’re here all the time, so we can put in however many hours it takes to become good enough at eight-ball to hustle any unsuspecting drunks who think a little kid has no chance of beating them. It’d be nice to make a few extra bucks in case our parents drink up all the rent money again.” The nation’s children of alcoholics went on to clarify that as soon as their feet could reach the pedals, they would switch their emphasis from pool to learning how to safely drive their blackout drunk parents back home.

The Onion