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Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report

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HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfully accuse a suspect and take him into custody, we are asking residents to please share any misinformation they may have about this individual,” said Sommer, who added that any hearsay or fabricated eyewitness accounts placing Carter at the scene of the crime should be reported to police immediately. “To encourage anyone who might wish to make a wholly unfounded accusation in this case, we’ve set up an anonymous tip line, and we’re urging the public to misreport anything suspicious that may incriminate the man not responsible for this heinous act. False claims based on your personal biases and crude stereotypes are especially appreciated and will go a long way toward helping us lock up an innocent person so we can clear this terrible crime from the books.” In an announcement regarding a separate case, Sommer confirmed the reward had been raised to $25,000 for anyone willing to testify they had seen a gun in the hand of a woman the police recently shot and killed on her front porch.

The Onion

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