Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough

BOSTON—In an effort to keep things as stilted as possible, local man Terrence Williams told reporters he had memorized several awkward remarks for a first date Wednesday night in case it wasn’t going uncomfortably enough. “I always like to have a couple conversation-enders up my sleeve for when things don’t immediately lapse into painful silence,” said Williams, adding that he worried about the middle part of the date, when it sometimes felt as if he had exhausted everything he could say to halt the conversation’s natural flow. “Obviously, I can start things off on the wrong foot by giving her an off-putting compliment, like, ‘nice beefy hands.’ But it’s good to know that even if everything is progressing in a completely pleasant way, I can always bring up my ex for no apparent reason. Or maybe we can talk about my favorite pizza places in the city for so long that it’s unclear if we’ll ever return to a normal topic again. Or I can just get really quiet and stare at my lap for a little bit. That works almost every time.” Williams added that if all else failed, he could always mention how white men are the real victims.

The Onion