Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years

The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top agenda items for the next two years.

• Amass over 500 hours of footage of FBI and DOJ officials saying they can’t comment on ongoing investigations
• Eliminate Congress’ weekly drag story hour
• Increase congressing by 25%
• Exhume and investigate the body of Beau Biden
• Give congressional interns the occasional goosing
• Try catering from that new sandwich place
• Investigate Instagram for allowing conservatives to post unflattering photos of themselves
• Fund nationwide road removal to prevent abortion-seekers from leaving states where it’s banned
• End Social Security so American seniors can learn value of hard day’s work
• Continue making representative democracy look like complete dogshit

The Onion