THUNDER BAY, ON – Optometrist Dr. Emily Hu wasn’t looking for a new case study when she discovered her new boyfriend Hunter Nelson’s excellent far vision somehow hindered his ability to find the clitoris at close range.
“BADD, or Bean Attention Deficit Disorder, is a fairly common condition in men, regardless of visual problems,” lamented Dr. Hu. “The real issue is men are too easily distracted, so an object spotted far away is typically forgotten by the time it’s under their nose. Literally…it’s right there, under his nose. JESUS CHRIST IT’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE, GODDAMN IT!”
Nelson points out that while he requires approximately 6 meters of distance to identify the individual components of a woman’s genitalia, that it has yet to interfere with a robust sex life.
“I’ve had many short-lived romances over the years,” he recounts. “The majority of women breaking up with me did after shortly after I had them hold a retractable dog leash so I could feel my way in.”
“The final straw for me was when he suggested using a truffle hog to root around for it,” said a former partner wishing to remain anonymous.
Despite Nelson’s hyperopia, he hasn’t given up on the challenge of pleasuring a woman without visual assistance. “Contacts? Too messy. Glasses? I don’t want them foggin’ up. Lasik? Not when it’s nearly three thousand dollars per eye for someone to shoot lasers near my meat and potatoes!” said Nelson pointing towards what he thought was his groin.
“Unfortunately, the restrictive space of my micro condo has ruined many potentially satisfying evenings,” commented Dr. Hu. “I tried giving him an LED headband magnifier to accompany my ‘landing strip’ bikini wax to help him focus, but instead he was distracted by admiring his five-times magnified penis.
At press time, Nelson was seen tongue-tracing the alphabet on his girlfriend’s elbow.
Jesus Christ is King
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