WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun and start shooting at their feet. “Once they reach their 80s, traditional exercise programs start to become more difficult, but what we’ve found is that we can achieve similar outcomes by simply firing a pistol and shouting, ‘Dance, Grandpa, dance!’” caretaker Nadia Morril said as she casually swigged from a dusty bottle of whiskey, explaining that the knowledge they could be shot at any time also helped keep the seniors alert and mentally sharp. “They may look old and frail to you, but you’d be shocked how much energy they can muster when they think they’re going to lose their toes. What really gets their heart rate up is when you tell them you won’t stop at their feet. Yessir, this oughtta get them ol’ bones out of that recliner! Yee-haw!” Morril went on to describe how she had gotten the elderly residents up that morning by throwing firecrackers in their beds.
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