One Time I Was In England And I Was A Prince And My Mom Was Diana And She Died And My Family Is Mean And My Wife Is Brown And I’m Sorry I Wore A Nazi

I have a story and it is very important and I know it is important because the bookman came to me and said Prince Harry (who is me) you have a very important story and you will make loads of money if you tell it to everyone and I said okay thank you for that idea and then I sat down and wrote the story of Prince Harry (who is me) that you are reading right now and the story is that one time I was in England and I was a prince and my mom was Diana and she died and my family is mean and my wife is brown and I’m sorry I wore a Nazi.

Okay probably I should start at the beginning which is that one time there was a baby named Prince Harry and he was me and he was the child son of a country called England and his mom was Diana and she was alive and he was going to grow up to be king of England except he had a brother named Prince William and England liked Prince William better because Prince William got to England before Prince Harry and Prince Harry doesn’t have a last name and no one knows why and I was Prince Harry until I stopped being a prince which I think I did and I was born after my family had sex with each other and I am from the type of family that has two brothers and they both want to be king but only one can be king except we had no king for a while because we had a queen instead and my mean grandmother was queen except she died and now I don’t even know who is the king but it is not me or my mean brother and I hate my mean brother for going to England before me and the bookman told me that if I say how much I hate my mean brother I will make loads of money.

My brother hits.

His name is Prince William and my name is Prince Harry and my wife is brown and his wife is a loser.

For a time there I was growing up and when I was growing up I wore loads of nice shirts and sometimes there were bushes that took pictures of me and my brother and my mom who is Diana and we would run back into the castle where it was safe and that was the last time I knew happiness because then my family told me that I would never be king and that was a really mean thing to say and it made me do drugs so I did a drug and then another drug and then suddenly I did wear a Nazi and I’m really, really, really sorry about wearing a Nazi because I thought a Nazi was just another type of nice shirt such as those I wore in my childhood but then I learned I could not have been more wrong and I am deeply shameful for wearing a Nazi because one time there was the Holocaust and that was a bad event for the world.

Then my mom was a car and she died.

I went to a nice school where they didn’t make me do anything really and then the bookman told me I should write about the time I went to the brown country to shoot the brown people because the bookman told me people go wild for that stuff so okay I will tell about the time that I Prince Harry flew on a real-life plane in the sky to the brown country and I shot a bunch of brown people with a gun that was a really good gun and I was glad that my future brown wife was not there because I could have shot her by mistake and before I shot them I whispered to myself I will pretend you are Prince William my hated brother who I hate except it was fine because they weren’t really people except it wasn’t fine because Prince William my hated brother is still alive and I wish he would get eaten by bugs.

Then I moved to a place called California which is not even in England if you can believe it and I met loads of nice people who love all my ideas and a nice man called Mr. Netflix said Harry you and your brown wife can be on television if you want and I was scared of television because I thought I was going to have to live inside of it forever like my mom but Mr. Netflix said no you only have to live there sometimes which made me feel calm and safe again and I also invented something called podcast which is where me and my brown wife sit in a chair and tell a microphone about how mean everyone is and then they give us loads of money and also I should tell about how my life is hard now because I used to have many servants and even though they didn’t have names or anything like that they were really nice to me and now I only have a couple servants named Nanny that look at the partially brown children I made with my brown wife although when I ask them to get me a soda they usually do and I never say please.

Then one time I turned on the TV and there I was! I screamed! Except I couldn’t get myself to notice me and I waved at the TV but I didn’t wave back at me. Life is very, very difficult sometimes. I learned it the hardest way.

Another time (actually many times) I went to Google Online to look for articles about me or about my hated brother Prince William being eaten by bugs and if there aren’t any articles about me and/or about my hated brother Prince William being eaten by bugs then I get very sad and I have to look at the money the bookman gave me so I can feel better and my mom died and I was a prince and not a king and I am sorry about taking drugs to feel better and I am sorry that I never remember the name of my brown wife even when I look at the website Mr Netflix made for me and one time I thought my mom was still alive and living in a city called Tabloids and one time I got up in the morning and I put on all my clothes and then I walked to the other side of the street and then I went home and I am sorry that I left England but I can’t go back because I forgot where it was and I want everyone who reads this to come to my birthday party but only if you are nice to me because in my long life I am tired of people who are mean to me and the bookman told me that if I write about all the times people were mean to me and all the times I was sorry then I will make loads of money and I am afraid that when I die my life will not have been worth living at all and I am haunted by the centuries of misery and violence inflicted on millions of other people to create my utterly loathsome grotesque existence and I know I should be fucking ashamed of myself but then I see a picture of a sword and swords remind me of knights and knights remind me of England which reminds me of me Prince Harry and then I smile again and I am happy all over.

The Onion