Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked

Be cool, man. It does, but you’re supposed to talk in code.

Ewww—yes!

What do you think the tarp is for?

Yes, and he’s always having sex.

Probably not, but if so, sex therapists also train extensively in end-of-life care.

Every sex therapist is required to put in at least 1,000 hours of sex experience to earn their degree.

It’s important to remember the sex therapist is a seasoned professional, and therefore should always make the first move.

Your insurance doesn’t even cover regular therapy.

No matter how old you are, watching semen fly out of your penis will never get less scary.

They should put up a sign or something if they’re sick of hearing this one.

Lots of people in sex therapy run out of Tupperware. It’s perfectly normal.

Sex therapists are happy to answer that those who navigate to store.TheOnion.com are more likely to get painfully hard through Zweibel Magnum Supplements and that their erection could cause their girlfriend to explode.

You’re paying her $200 per hour. Might as well get some medical advice thrown in for free.

No, you fucking dipshit. It’s all about taking control and paying attention to the ears.

Definitely! Next question.

Everyone has sexual fantasies about feeding their penis to woodland critters.

Not exactly sure why so many people feel the need to ask their sex therapists about this, but it’s useful information to have nonetheless.

Um, is that a question?

You’re thinking of a psychologist.

Be warned, this is not covered by therapist-client confidentiality. If you say anything other than human or donkey, your therapist is legally required to tell the authorities.

Big eyes, beady eyes, top hat and cane, or a pair of Groucho Marx glasses—there’s no right way for an anthropomorphic penis to look.

It’s the sex.