PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts. “We have reason to believe Powell has put both company and personal assets directly into crispy, fresh-baked crusts in locations all over the Cayman Islands,” said U.S. attorney Asa McDaniels, stating that the CEO had hidden millions from the government in this way in order to avoid paying taxes on Pizza Hut’s substantial holdings in 100% real whole-milk mozzarella cheese. “Treasury Department agents first caught wind of these piping-hot, melty assets when Powell’s tax return was suspiciously covered in more grease than what he was claiming on the forms. From there, they found the Pizza Hut executive had concealed more than $138 million in fermented dairy products inside a single layer of golden-brown dough in Switzerland.” At press time, Powell was caught attempting to destroy evidence by eating what was left of his Bahamian stash of pepperoni.
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