Brought to you by Nouri:
Being alive is hard. If you don’t eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you’re eating might be literally killing you!
Do not eat these foods or you will surely die:
- Fatty foods
- Non-fat foods
- Gluten
- Gluten-free food
- Taco Bell’s new Cheesy Chipotle Arsenic Wrap
- Red meat
- White meat
- Green meat
- All other types of meat
- Vegetables
- Carbonated beverages
- Expired food
- Tofu
- Lamb, if it’s holding a shiv
- Seed oils
- Non-seed oils
- Rat poison
- Corn syrup
- Maple syrup
- Sugar
- Artificial Sweeteners
- Oats
- Boats
- Steamed hams
- Dairy products
- Almond milk
- Soy
- Grains
- Nuts
- California Raisins
- Other raisins
- Any food you have to chew
- Any food you have to drink
- A rich pasta with a spicy meat-a-ball
- Eggs (not that you can afford them)
- Vegetables
- Humans
- Fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
- Other fruit
- Water
Stop eating all these things immediately if you want to live.
NOT SATIRE: It’s time to elevate your immune system. The best way to prepare your body for cold and flu season is to build your immune system every single day.
Your immune health starts in your gut as 70% of your immune cells are located within your digestive tract. So, if you’re used to grabbing vitamin c packets every time you feel a cold coming on, it’s time to elevate your immune system with Nouri’s daily StayWell packs – now available in 2 flavors: Lemonade and Passionfruit.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:
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Babylon Bee
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