Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves

CHICAGO—Stressing that such individuals would be doing her company a solid, Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Kim Keck announced Wednesday that it would really help if sick insured people just killed themselves. “Look, let me be frank here, if a few hundred thousand people deep into cancer treatment just offed themselves, our quarterly revenue would be boosted in a big way,” said Keck, who admitted it would help her fellow board members if any policyholder suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, a debilitating stroke, diabetes, or any other expensive late-stage illness could simply blow their brains out. “Honestly, even if you’re only coming down with a bad fever, you’d be making our lives a lot easier if you went and hung yourself. Just make sure you actually have the guts to go through with it. Because if you get paralyzed from a botched attempt and we have to pay for some sad sack coma case, the rest of the execs will be pissed.” Keck rushed to clarify that any patients considering helping them out should not apply for assisted suicide, as that wasn’t covered under any of their plans.

The Onion